Treasures Traded

August 14, 2018August 14, 2018Leave a comment

I woke up sleepy but rested. It’s a fresh start. Although my day-to-day has seen only minor changes, I have a new perspective on life. The classic, perfectly-painted life now looks more like multidimensional abstract art.

Today, I’ve embraced my life as a perfectly messy art-form. It’s beautiful because it’s my journey. I’ve re-discovered the simple treasures I lost while trying to paint the perfect life. What a lie that is! And what an ongoing battle to fight! These treasures, hidden by my own blind eyes were always there. They beckoned me, but I ignored their voice. My body was too weathered with stress and those treasures were luxuries – not necessities. One more thing my burdened soul couldn’t balance.

Today, I’ve humbly traded my classic art piece for time. It came at the cost of my pride and position, but essential for survival. Frantic mornings have turned into a soothing routine of gratitude. Tiny kisses on my nose coupled with a rapidly wagging tail, “Good morning! I must charge the morning by announcing this yard is mine and I’m awake!” A pressed and poured Americano in a hand-picked mug, each sip a memory from where the mug was purchased. A rooster mug from Portugal. A turtle mug from Aruba. A turquoise and white-striped mug – a gift from a special family. Time has allowed for reflection, and with it, knowledge. When life speeds up, my route must be reset. I pull off the speedway and make my way down a scenic road. The natural life – the green, gold and blues – seep into me, revitalizing my soul.

Time is a choice of focus. Shifting focus, shifts time.

Today, I woke up sleepy but rested. I gaze beyond the picture perfect life to fully appreciate the perfectly messy art-form – the place where time is stilled and treasures dwell.

Connecting Roots

July 19, 2018Leave a comment

The storm clouds have dissipated,

Cooled by the steady downpour of tears.

The thundering crashes and jolting bolts have refrained,

Hushed by vigilant discernment and practice.

A calm so bold and boisterous has settled in,

Stabilizing unassuming weather patterns.

With my feet securely planted in the soil,

I am in-touch with my roots.

My toes, arches and heels extend deep into the dirt,

Connecting me to memory after memory after memory.

My toes wiggle playfully in the soil,

Jogging my memory of joyful times.

I smile.

My heels dig deep into the dirt,

Uncovering the rocky hard-to-handle memories.

I tense up.

As my arches press firmly into the soil,

I watch the dirt spill over the tops of my feet.

The joyful and hard-to-handle are harmoniously bridged.

My feet: toes, arches and heels are grounded in the soil,

Connecting me to all that is me.

My roots: past, both fond and “rather forgotten”

are the life-sustaining lessons needed for growth.

The storm clouds have dissipated.

My feet have sunk steadily into the warm wet earth,

Fastening me with my roots,

Preparing me for new growth.

Smile

June 21, 2018Leave a comment

I spoke in a calm tone. My face made its natural gestures. Like a stern teacher, her eyes squinted glaring right at me. She shook her head in disappointment as she spoke. “You’re smiling!” she said in disapproval. Confused, I asked her to clarify. I didn’t think I was smiling. This was my natural appearance. “I think you’re afraid to feel anger.”

Silence.

I sat there shocked into very deep reflection and later walked away feeling frustrated for smiling.

Was I afraid of anger?

Chaos, yelling, screaming, closed-ears, tears, slamming doors and walking away from loved ones is how I see anger. To me, anger is the most unproductive way of handling a problem. This type of anger generates more problems and creates more of a disconnect between people. It is someone viciously trying to get his/her voice heard by someone not willing to hear them. Afraid of anger? I placed anger in the unproductive category long ago.

Sure, I’ve felt anger. We all feel anger when we think we’ve been mistreated, over-looked or stressed out. My ‘kind’ of anger happens while I’m removed from what made me angry in the first place. It’s, “I can’t believe this happened. Why would anyone do that?” My ‘kind’ of anger is a civil conversation trying to re-iterate my reasoning in hopes to get the person to see something from my perspective. My ‘kind’ of anger is, ”Is this really worth getting angry over?”

Am I afraid of anger? Maybe. No one likes an angry person. Angry people are mean and hurtful and down right grumps. In my experience, angry people seem to be the ones with the most hurt. Anger is their fortress that keeps others from seeing their hurts.

So how do I view anger as a normal emotion when my idea of anger is not so pretty? I like smiles and pretty things-not the ugly angry grumps.

To me, anger is not a gentle feather emotion. It is a raging bear emotion. Anger is the ‘red flag’ emotion warning you that something is not right. Anger sounds its alarm when your dignity is trampled on, when you’ve been mistreated and when someone crosses a line. Anger is a motivator. It reminds me that I have rights, needs and worth. It’s a boarding call to move on. This ‘kind’ of anger I am not afraid of.

Anger is a warning sign for justice-not the seed you plant in your soul.

Candle

Failed To Listen

May 15, 2018May 17, 2018Leave a comment

The soul whispers, but I failed to listen. It’s ironic, naming my blog ‘The Soul Whispers’ when I forgot how to listen…maybe it’s not that I forgot so much as I wasn’t ready to hear what my soul had to say.

I like to think that I’m that tough, rugged, All-Terrain Vehicle that can plough through anything, all the while looking flawless. I pride myself in appearing to have it altogether. I thought that I could do it all and with grace, patience and success – not perfect, but pretty close to it! I thought I could take care of my loved one’s needs, be a good friend, manage a household and have endless amounts of patience, wisdom and achievement at work. I failed to recognize what I was working with.

Over the past few years my ‘fuel’ was being used up at rapid rate. So much so that even when I stopped to ‘fill-up’ no amount could push the needle to ‘F’. With my engine perpetually running at near-full throttle, I quickly drained the fuel dry. I needed fuel to survive the demands placed on me. Needing to go on, I stripped away layers of my empty tank until it was rusted and unfit for fuel. I had nothing to work with. I was forced out of the race and sidelined.

I had given it all. Here, in the mud, I could finally listen to my soul…to be honest, even then I struggled to listen to my soul. I never realized how hard it was to give yourself permission to slow down and to let go.

We pride ourselves in having it altogether because we think that somehow having it altogether bring us fulfillment. My tough, rugged All-Terrain Vehicle that flawlessly ploughed through everything is useless without its tank and fuel. It took me the hard way to learn that I don’t have to have it altogether. I forgot how to listen. I didn’t think it was okay to pay attention to my own needs. I am learning to tend to the whisper within. Its gentle sound repairs my soul.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion. Psalm 73:26

Cashed In

April 26, 20181 Comment

When I put myself last I suffered a great loss.

At the start, I happily gave bits and pieces of myself away. The takers received them, unknowing that I was gradually emptying inside. Everyone knows you’re responsible for your own well-being. It’s assumed that if you ‘give’ you have the cash to spend. I had the cash to spend (and even replenished) as it was traded in for love, friendship, order and a “job well-done.” Life was good when I had cash flow…but somewhere along the way the demands increased. The cost of living became higher than my salary could afford. I was robbed of a fair deal, and my lenders took and took and took. I stayed. I let it happen. I thought I was smarter than that. I’ve always been wise with my money…but I still had to meet my demands.

Not realizing my infinite value, I was spending money I didn’t have. What is one to do when you have debt to pay and no cash to pay for it? I now understand that my well-being is costly to replace, and the debt I had incurred would take months to replace and take even more work than what it took when I first gave it away.

When someone requires more than you can afford, leave! Never give gold to the greedy.

FullSizeRender

Unearthed

March 21, 2018April 4, 20183 Comments

My outer guard cracked as the inner voice intensified.

Nothing a little glue couldn’t fix.

Demanding to be heard, the surface cracked once more.

Nothing a little glue couldn’t fix.

Uprising in revolt, its current surged my body undoing all its working parts,

shaking my outer guard.

Nothing a little glue couldn’t fix.

Accelerating in anger, the tremor from inside ruptures the outer guard.

Heard with an intense cry, the inner voice screamed, “Listen!”

Nothing, not even a little glue could fix.

Waiting For An Answer

February 17, 2018February 19, 20181 Comment

As I laid in my bed with the covers pulled closely to my face, my body exhausted, my mind frantic, my thoughts mixed with everything from the daily to-do’s to intense emotions about life’s purpose. I’m not sure why at 12:00am on a work night my mind started to go there, but it did, and I had to deal with it regardless of the late hour. Life lesson # 101: If you don’t allow your mind the time to ‘deal with stuff’, it will make time with or without your permission, and it’s usually unexpected…12:00am happened to be when it needed to voice it’s concerns.

Frustrated and exhausted, I was taunted with negative thoughts around my sense of purpose. My insecurities were heightened and I began to feel sad. I focused on the pitfalls and rejections, the lack of control and ongoing lack of respect. One negative thought turned into another and another and another until my pillow was dampened with tears. My desperate desire to sleep turned into a cry for help. I knew that the lack of sleep heightened my feelings – inadequacy in particular. At the same time, I was fully aware that I didn’t have to soak in negativity. Despite my intense emotions and lack of sleep, I still believed that God could help. I whispered, “God, help me please…” Those few words gave me the courage to mutter my next prayer: “Remind me of my identity and calling and let me sense Your love for me.”

Silence.

My prayer had no reply. I waited with hope in my heart. I focused on the rising and falling of my chest with each breath.

Silence.

After an hour I finally fell asleep with no answer to my prayer.

The alarm rang sooner than I wanted it to and I was forced to return to my routine. That morning I left very little room for my emotions to surface, simply because I had to keep to a schedule which didn’t allow for it. With tired eyes and a humbled spirit I faced the day, and as fate would have it, it quickly turned into ‘one of those mornings’. One issue led into another, and I thought to myself, “If this is a sign of what’s to come, I may be in trouble.”

Annoyed and under-slept, I bent down to put a running shoe on a tiny foot. As I knelt down with the shoe in my hand, little did I know that my prayer was seconds away from being answered. I placed the running shoe on the tiny foot and as I was lacing it up I heard Jesus say to me, “I washed the disciples feet.” God knew exactly what I needed to hear and why. For months I had felt disrespected, looked down upon, dumb and undervalued, but in that moment I was reminded of my identity to serve. Jesus, having the greatest title in the whole Earth, ‘the Son of God’ bent down and washed His disciples feet. Feeling like I had a title but being placed in the least desired position I had carried feelings of disrespect for months. Jesus didn’t have to announce his title to others in order to show that He was important and respected. He knew deep within His being that He is the Son of God. Yet, He was not too important to bend down and wash feet. Jesus is completely sure of who He is and never shies away from His identity. He lived a recklessly bold and humble life.

God’s words to me, “I washed the disciples feet” echoed in my heart as a reminder of who I am and how I am to live.

I am His daughter and I am loved. I may have a title and the least desired position and feel like I spend most of my days tying shoes and zipping zippers, but if Jesus bent down to wash feet then who am I to say that tying shoes is above me. I am not what I do but the attitude in which I do what I do. I am not just ‘a shoe-tyer’, I am a servant. I have not come to be served but to serve.

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death – even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above ever name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Philippians 2: 5-11

Set Free By A Glance

January 4, 2018January 4, 2018Leave a comment

Overwhelmed with stress, I was set free by just one empathetic glance from a friend.

It was one of those days. Chaos was on the rise. It wasn’t just my small world – it was all around me. With only a quick moment to spare I walked past my co-worker friend in the middle of her own chaos. We exchanged glances and only a few words, but in that moment there was a kind of empathetic understanding and a sense that ‘we’re in this together.’ Life’s load lifts when we are surrounded by those people who, with a glance, can shift our outlook and help us to ‘just breathe.’

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

There are a few magnificent people in my life whose very passing-by generates feelings of peace and love. They don’t even have to open their mouths and say a word. They truly are the peacemakers of this world. They are those people who grab ahold of what is good and positive. They don’t ignore the looming harsh reality of stress and pain but shine bright and bold beams of positivity into it. Where stress and pain dim your sparkle (all that makes you feel alive) they change your outlook and, even if it is just for a moment, refresh your spirit.

I want to be near people who with their entire being choose to listen without judgment and see the good even in chaos. I also want to be one of those people. Like the bright twinkling stars in the night sky I want to offer hope from the chaos.

star

“Men and women who have lived wisely and well will shine brilliantly, like the cloudless, star-strewn night skies. And those who put others on the right path to life will glow like stars forever.” Daniel 12:3 MSG

Thank God for people who kick you out of your reality, whether it be negative thoughts or life’s tough stuff. Here’s to the radiant beams of light in my life. Keep shining brilliantly!

You’re Not Alone

December 10, 2017December 10, 20171 Comment

As I write this, I am alone. I have been alone for a good while. I wake up alone, eat alone and spend my evenings alone. Not to say I don’t make small chat with neighbours and have meaningful conversations with my co-workers…but I am currently without the company of a companion. I still text my friends and of course, my husband, who is away for a few weeks fulfilling a dream of his. Although I am not emotionally alone, I am physically alone without the company of a companion.

It’s alright though! I’m alone. I’m okay…but it seems as though the world prefers pairs. I’m positive that any person without a companion desires a loving partner to wake up to, eat meals with and enjoy all the pleasures life has to offer. Sometimes we find ourselves alone and without a partner for whatever reason – break-up, divorce, death, or we just haven’t found that special someone. It’s okay!

My sister has learned how to embrace and overcome being without someone at different points in her life. I’m happy to say that she’s with a fun-loving Australian and is very content having a committed companion. She recently reminded me that while I was without my husband for Thanksgiving this year, last year at that time she was alone. Her advice, although it was given to only our family, was passionately directed at a larger audience, “Why should I stop my life just because I’m alone? If I want to do something, I’m going to do it!” She’s braved many holidays without a companion, gone to different events alone and has travelled all over the world on her own. While the world prefers pairs, my sister didn’t put her life on hold because she wasn’t ‘paired’. Instead, even with a broken heart that longed for genuine love, she boldly lived life. She’s a fighter in a world ‘paired off’ and sought adventure over being housebound. She sought opportunity and welcomed new friendships, and despite her wounds from past relationships trusted that love would come her way.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I, unlike my sister have only been alone a few times in my life. I have never travelled on my own. I did eat at a sit down restaurant alone. It felt weird but I braved it. When I found myself away from my loved one I wanted to embrace my sister’s determined attitude to do what you want to do even if you’re on your own. So I did! It was a Friday night after a long work week, and I had been invited to a surprise Birthday celebration. The friend that invited me worded the invitation “I know that your husband is on tour but wanted to see if you wanted to come to a little surprise party.” I did! I thought to myself, I have two options: sit at home, do some work and maybe watch a movie, or get dressed up and go to a party. I chose the second option. I purchased a gift, picked out an outfit, put some make-up on and headed over to the party. As I entered the house (alone) I heard these words spoken in a loud voice: “Where’s your husband?” She went on to say that she would never go anywhere on her own. As you can imagine, I’m standing awkwardly in the doorway at a party with a group of people I ‘kinda’ know and feeling like I was ‘no one’ without my husband. A rush of thoughts entered my mind: “Was it alright that I came on my own? Do I not have as much value unless he’s with me?” I know my friend had no intention of hurting my feelings, but it really made for an awkward evening where people needed to asked me, “How are you holding up?”

I’m alone. I’m okay.

When I find myself alone I know that I am not truly alone. God is near. He is that needed comfort that settles all the insecurity that comes from being alone. He is a comfort that embraces me with confidence to brave eating alone at a restaurant, going to a party alone and sitting alone in my house. He is a comfort that allows me to let go of the ‘presentable me.’ I wash off my make-up, put on my PJ’s and throw my hair back in a pony tail and simply let go. He is a comfort that welcomes my words without judgement and truly ‘gets it.’ In a world that prefers pairs I’ve found the finest partner. God is with me always. I am never alone.

“In fact, God isn’t far away from us. In God we live, move, and exist.” Acts 17:27b-28a

Somewhere Between 23rd & Broad

November 13, 2017December 4, 2017Leave a comment

I lost my voice along the way

Somewhere between 23rd and Broad.

A man walked away with it.

He tucked it in his wallet and carried it like cash.

One more voice ‘cashed in.’

My pace, somber and slow,

disappearing with each step.

I fade into the rest

Faces with no names

Branded to fit the masses

Lost in the crowd

I lost my voice somewhere between now and then.

Gone. Not lost. Paused.

Gradually it returns

somewhere between Broad and New.

I made my own cash

Bought my voice back

Held my head high

Looked everyone in the eyes

My voice returned

It beats with sound

A rhythm felt with no words

Robbed and returned

It’s my voice – quiet and bold.

Lost but found.

I lost my voice along the way

never to be taken again

shoes