I am two parts: one part desire and one part need. I require calm, rest, routine and safety. I desire connection, courage and out-of-the-ordinary. “Need” trumps “desire” regularly. I don’t see this as a bad thing; rather, “need” pays the bills so that “desire” might spend money on occasion. This 80/20 relationship requires a lot of intention. If I don’t protect my needs, I will face consequences. My anxiety will dial way up which generates fear and panic. One awful experience has imprinted the equation: If x happens, you will experience y again. I have vowed not to let x happen again, and the remedy is calm, rest, routine and safety.
This is a very normal occurrence. When something awful happens we make a promise to ourselves to not let it ever happen again. Life experiences teach us what is good, what to do differently and what to avoid. When something substantial occurs, it’s natural to make sure we never go through it again. My first break up felt devastating because I had innocently trusted someone with my feelings. I was vulnerable and it was my first love, making the heartbreak even worse. After my teenage self recovered, I was much more cautious about expressing my feelings for someone. Minor x experiences, such as my first heartbreak, shaped my beliefs in both positive and negative ways. I lost trust and became emotionally distant. My next love had to demonstrate to me that he would treat me with care by engaging in a series small trust-building interactions. I believe that minor x experiences help us decipher good from what to avoid, and they shape our opinions about others and our world. Some life events have a profound impact on us. They shock and shatter us, and unlike minor x experiences, they require years and incredible effort to recover from. Vigilance is crucial to prevent recurrence, as the urge for protection and prevention transforms life into a ‘need’-based experience.
This is where I am at today. The tension between need and desire has been a persistent theme in both my life and my blog entries for some time now. I’m aware of the imbalance between them and understand that it is a gradual process. I want to shift the 80/20 relationship, and it’s more than a matter of saying, “Just get over it!” Additionally, I know that for every experience that “throws me off,” there are also experiences that build courage, connection and resilience. My body is wise. It lets me know when something is too much. I also know that for every risk that yields a reward, trust grows, and if I respect this tedious journey my world will feel safer and my desires will become a greater part of my life.
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