It’s happened! The world has pointed out to me that I am middle-aged. Ugh!
“Will you sign this poster for me?” said a man in his late 60s as I was making my way backstage with a young musician my husband plays guitar for. “We are huge fans!”
The musician was minutes away from taking the stage, making it difficult for him to sign the poster. Recognizing the untimely request, the man turns to me, “Are you his mother?” Startled, I respond, “No, but I can hold onto the poster for you until he signs it.”
“Am I his mother…” I mutter to myself as I headed to the stage to watch the concert.
This was only the beginning of a series of similarly awkward encounters with complete strangers. Within about a six-week span I had four different people ask me, “Are you his mother? Whose mom are you? Do you have children?” These inquiries were literally the first or second questions asked during the conversation.
The last inquiry was incredibly odd. During a visit to my family’s vacation residence, my parents asked me to pick up 50/50 tickets. While I was waiting in line to buy my tickets, a guy around my age asked me two questions: “Do you know Dave?” and “Do you have children?” It was so awkward and bothersome. Can’t a girl just go about her business?
After these four interactions, I’ve been thinking about how the world views me as a middle-aged woman. I should mention that my husband was present for three of the four interactions, and was never asked once, “Are you his dad?” or “Do you have children?” So, why wasn’t he? There are clearly differing assumptions regarding genders.
Even though they were strangers, I was still bothered that they did not first offer me a chance to tell them my name, and let me decide how I introduce myself. I’m sure my response would have been different if I were a mother. It might have been one of pride or simply neutral.
As odd and personal as these assumptions are, they hit a deep chord of belonging. If I am not who you think I am, do I belong or do you move-on? In all but one encounter, the conversation stopped after my response.
Making assumptions is common, but more importantly, we should respect people’s choice to disclose themselves to us on their own terms. If I could re-phrase each inquiry, they would sound like this: “Hi, I’m so-and-so! What brings you here? How are you connected with the band? How do you know so-and-so? and Good luck with the 50/50 draw tonight!”
Assumptions are natural, and occasionally they prove to be accurate, but please allow ME introduce myself.
I might not be who you assume I am, and are you okay with that?
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