Holding Space

“Holding space means giving support that is free of judgement. It involves a conscious and deliberate choice to put aside our agenda, the need for our own specific outcome and the desire to give advice or “fix” a person or their situation.” Natajsa Wagner 

I believe I first heard the expression “holding space” at a church. In therapy, I’ve learned to hold space for myself and others, which has been a transforming experience. I’ve also experienced moments of ‘space’ with close friends and even colleagues. 

How would I describe holding space for someone? I’ll start with my experience.

She sat patiently with her attention completely attuned to me. I felt ashamed because I wanted to be in control, appear ‘put together’ and feel respected. I was vulnerable. She was not concerned with my state, but I felt as though she saw me as I wished I could see myself. Her posture, open and inviting. Without words, it seemed like she was saying to me, “I am fully here without judgement or agenda.” I trusted her and felt myself relax. I received her compassion like a swimmer yielding to the currents, trusting my buoyancy and the pattern of the waves. I am human, both beautiful and broken. 

As I sensed her compassion increasingly, I found that I could access parts of myself that I’ve buried deep within. Parts that once were un-welcomed, ‘bad’ or not useful were greeted with new perspective as space was being held for me. This space infused self-worth and self-compassion in me, and I realized that I’m not obliged to please everyone.

I recognize that I’ve spent a lifetime in the shadows, longing to stand up and be heard. I speak but the wind sweeps my words away, never reaching any ears. So I dress up my words in a suit and tie and serve them back verbatim.This gives them a sense of power. I am all too familiar with this exchange and find it repugnant. I am confined, put in the corner, and told to remain still. My duty is clear: listen and never contribute. 

I feel defeated but not for long…

She welcomes me back into the wide open space where courage rises within me. I don’t need to fight to be heard. I don’t have to override their voices with volume or convince them that what I have to say is important. All I have to do is trust my intuition and speak up when I know that I will be heard and understood. 

When I am given room – beautiful, attentive, attuned space – I am free to express both the beautiful and broken person that is me.

My experience has resulted in self-compassion, insight, and the ability to start holding space for others.