I found myself drifting off in thought after my therapist mentioned a “new” treatment for anxiety. “What would my life look like if I were healthy? Wait…I am pretty healthy, aren’t I?” I felt conflicted like I had a few years ago where, despite loving springtime, I felt like winter was more comforting than ending hibernation. A new season can be scary especially when you’ve become accustomed to the current way of living.
Could I even imagine not having to cater to the energy in my body? Actually, yes! I think this is where the problem started. Somewhere along the way I believed in “mind-over-matter” and ignored the good old signals from what I thought was my nemesis. I had become detached from signs of stress, anxiety and suppressed anger, but I was fine and life was pretty good…until it wasn’t. It took one awful experience to completely override all willpower. This is where I began to understand the wisdom of my body. I had to. It was awful and scary. And through this very scary process I came to understand the messages that my body was giving me and how to make adjustments in my life.
Today I am more in-tune with my emotions and detached from the “mind-over-matter” mantra. This is a great personal gain, but it has also made me very rigid. I have become a vigilant at detecting emotional energy since I am terrified of repeating that particularly difficult time in my life. I have limited my universe to avoid any kind of disturbance to my “curated calm.” I keep to a rigid routine and isolate myself from as many stimuli and stressors as possible. I understand that this helps me feel protected, but I also want to broaden my world and embrace new seasons.
So when I think of the possibility of a “new” treatment that could increase the quality of my life, I imagine text conversations with friends, more time with loved ones, a few more late nights and even feeling at ease when at a crowded concert. I want to enjoy life without fear of being thrown off balance.
I imagine myself healthy. I am settled with who I am and the decisions I have made and will make. I have perspective. I accept both satisfying and unpleasant emotions. I am intentional. I listen to the wisdom within and honour what I need. I am balanced. I welcome what is good. I withdraw when I need rest. I am healthy.
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